


Castiel's Last Letter to Dean

by Beechanyo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Goodbyes, Love Letters, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, last letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-01-05 07:15:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beechanyo/pseuds/Beechanyo
Summary: Written after the events of the last episode of Season 12. (Season 12, Episode 23) (12x23)Castiel Writes a Suicide Note and Dean Replies.(Edit: Let me know if you would like a fully-fledged fic in the comments.)





	1. Cas writes a letter

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after the events of the last episode of Season 12. (Season 12, Episode 23) (12x23)  
> I feel Cas needed to make his emotions clear, even though I know he will never get a chance in the Canon story, he deserves to be able to say it with conviction and Dean deserves to be able to see/hear it from Cas.
> 
> I love these two boys.

Hello Dean,  
I hope this letter finds its way to you eventually.

If your reading this, I am gone.  
Probably for good this time, just, so you know.  
I feel as if I have been given too many chances, and I think this world, and everyone in it, would feel the same…  
except you, Dean.

You are probably thinking I have been given too little, that I deserved more, but, Dean, I don’t.  
Every time I have come back, by miracle or not, I have failed.  
I have lost count of how many times, and I hope you will forgive me for not wanting to fail anymore.

I am tired, Dean.  
I hope this last time I will do something right, even if you never see it that way.

Signed Castiel.

Oh and, Dean, I think you know this already, but, I love you.  
I fell for you in every way and I have never regretted it.  
Even through everything you have done, good or bad, in sickness or in health, I loved you.  
Know that to my dying day, I loved you.  
Even still, long after I am gone, if any part of me exists, it will love you.  
For I feel that I was made to love you, Dean.  
Everything I am is grace and love for ‘the righteous man'; for you.  
I am sorry, I know I have made you uncomfortable, and, as always, that is not my intent...it has never been my intent.  
I just wanted to be selfish for once and say how I feel without any regards to your feelings for once.  
I just wanted you to know, Dean.  
You deserve to know.  
You were the sole reason for anything and everything I did for the sake of humanity.  
So, yes, again, I love you, Dean.  
I am truly sorry, I hope you'll forgive me, but I love you.


	2. Dean's Letter to Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean writes a reply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lines through words indicate that Dean has crossed those words out; ie. self editing what he has written.   
> Omitting what he deems is unnecessary to say or do, is something Dean seemingly does often in the show.  
> Similarly to the show, the sub text, or the words underneath the crossing out and the lines, are easily legible by the reader or viewer and, therefore, Dean's editing is unnecessary because those words are able to be conveyed anyway.

~~Uh Hi  
~~ Hey Cas,

Sam told me I should write a reply because he  ~~is a bitch who gets stuck on emotions and chick-flick-moments and~~ he thinks it will be good for me.

Not sure what writing you a letter'll do really considering, you are gone, and probably won't be coming back  ~~anytime soon.~~

But, yeah, Sam said I should ~~and I miss you and stuff~~ so, you know...Here goes.

 

Since you have been gone we have saved the world...again...and all that.

It went about as well as any other goddamn thing we have done, but it is over now.

Probably for good this time.

Sam thinks we can retire but, I don't know.  ~~I guess I don't really want to.~~

 

I've been praying a lot too.

Mostly to you even though I know you won't get them.

You liked it when I prayed. 'Said it showed my faith. ~~I had faith in you and you knew that.~~

And even though I know you are gone and no amount of praying this time is gonna change that...I still kinda think I have to....Like it is my job to get you back and to save you this time.

...but that might just be me being 'The righteous man' again, as you say, you know?

...

Cas, do you remember what the last thing you ever said to me was...I think it was "are you alright?"

You knew I wasn't but you asked anyway to be polite and, you know, Cas, right now I am not alright. 

I feel like I won't ever be alright, but  ~~when you were here I felt better~~ it was easier with you.

You were my best friend and, yeah, it was selfish of you to write that letter, we would have worked it out if you were here.

__________ 

If you'da said something...you know..it would have been easier with you.

What am I supposed to do now?

~~You aren't here Cas!~~

How am I supposed to do this without you?

I can't do this without you, man.

I need you here.

I need  _you._

I miss you and I need you.

You're my family okay?

 

You deserve better, Cas.

You deserved everything in the world and I am sorry I couldn't give you that.

 

Son Of A Bitch....

...

You know even now I can't say it.

I wish I could, but I can't.

~~'cause if I admit it now it may kill me.~~

I am sorry, Cas.

You deserve for me to be able to open my mouth and come out and say it more than anything and I can't do it.

It's three words and I can't do it. 

You know how much I hate myself for not even being able to give you this?

I hate myself regardless but... 

This sucks.

I am so sorry, Cas.

 So yeah, 

I don't know how to end these things to a dead guy, so I guess I'll write again sometime, probably.

I think this helped,  ~~like Sam said.~~

 

SO, Yeah, Um.

I miss you man.

Come back to me if you can.

-D.W.

 


	3. I said it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He said it
> 
> Dean tells Cas he said it

Hey Cas,

I said it.

I was talking about you with Sam today and I said it.

I wasn't even thinking so it just happened I guess.

Sammy asked me why I haven't shown him the letter I wrote if I really did write one and I said I didn't want him to read it 'cause I said some stuff in it and I couldn't even write how I felt and I said how shitty it was of me for not being able to tell you I love you and...  
yeah...  
just like that, it came out.

so, there you go...

I love you so.........

Please.....

Please come home.

I love you.  
I love you.  
I love you.  
I LOVE YOU OKAY!?

Come Home.

D.W.


End file.
